Manipulators are often charming and wonderful when you first encounter them. They are helpful, understanding and really want to listen to you tell about your family, your failures and your hopes and dreams. He is so good at this that before you know it you are telling him your deepest secrets. He has now successfully breached your boundaries without you even knowing it. Everything goes faster than it should. It’s easy to get caught up in this shower of attention and desire. Your endorphins are firing like the 4th of July. You feel great until before you know it you will want to know what they are doing and who they are with each and every hour. Somehow you don’t quite believe him but there is nothing you can put your finger on. You may think that because you want him so badly that other women do too. He is just so cool.
They often, but not always, come from very dysfunctional homes and tell of abandonment and betrayal. They could easily have trauma in their past. They may tell you parts of it or you may never know.
The need for secrets, duplicity, and control is 100%. This is something that I really want you to understand. They don’t see themselves very clearly and they want what they want when they want it. It makes perfect sense to them. Manipulation works, it gets the result they want and it is extremely unlikely that they will change.
They give the impression that they have been searching for that one person who is loyal, honest, giving and sympathetic and now that they have found you their prayers have been answered. Because you aren’t going to be like all the rest – people who just used and abused him to fulfill their own needs. You are different, you would never hurt him and you want him to be happy. Wow, he is so happy and you are the sole reason for his happiness. He has just made you responsible for his wellbeing. The hook is in. And now the craziness begins. You were just trying to be nice and hopefully find a new friend or even a lover. You don’t even know it yet but you have just become a hostage to a person who does not play by the rules.
Not all manipulators are men but rather than have him/her, he/she thing going on I am using “he” for form’s sake. I do not mean to imply that women cannot be manipulators, they certainly can and do.
Manipulators choose their victims carefully. They go for those of us with poor boundaries, low self-esteem, the lonely or immature. And those who are naive and just don’t really understand that there really are bad people in the world. It’s very hard to believe that the person who held your hand as you cried really and truly does not care. But he doesn’t, it’s just a means to an end. He has a radar for people who fear to be alone, of standing up for themselves or fear rejection. These people are often kind-hearted, compassionate and willing to be helpful. They are often unprotected and unlikely to confess that they are in over their heads. They don’t understand or admit that their radar, normally so reliable, has been swamped by the poison that has just been dropped on them.
“If only” is the mantra. If only he had a car. If only he had 50 bucks. If only he could get rid of this damn toothache. If only he had what you have then everything would be okay. It starts small but quickly gets bigger. And the pressure increases dramatically. There is a sense of urgency, it must be done right now. No, you don’t need to take a shower before you go to the bank, you must do it now! Everything will fall apart unless you go right this second!
Manipulators are incredible liars. They can boldly and brazenly tell you the most outrageous lies. A good liar, an experienced, motivated liar is hard to spot. But if caught in a lie they will do everything they can to throw it back on you. Because now that they know all your secrets they know just what angle to come at you from. They are relentless and have no pity for you. As far as they are concerned, you are the one with a problem. You are letting him do this to you. And a lot of other people feel the same way. Yes, he is bad but the greater sin in society’s eyes is that you were too trusting and thereby caused this whole thing to continue. It is not easy to understand unless you have been jerked around six ways from Sunday. A good manipulator will strip you of your confidence in making decisions and judgments. They are master pouters and use the silent treatment well. They can rage and bully until you just want to drive off a cliff. Your world and options become very small. They will leave you but unfortunately, they come back. They will cheat on you but it’s not their fault. If only you were more of this or less of that. You are furious at him but underneath you are furious with yourself and don’t know how to deal with it in any way. You are overwhelmed.
He can oppress your free will with clever combinations of pleas, threats (I might as well die/I will make you suffer) and good old fashioned temper tantrums. He will train you not to upset him. He will make you suffer. All of a sudden your cat goes missing. I am telling you, he Does. Not. Care. Your wellbeing is only of importance to your being able to continue to do as he demands. Remember, you, wonderful you, have been manipulated into being responsible for his very wellbeing. Are you going to be like his bitch of a mother who ever so cruelly tossed him out at 16? How could you? Look, here is a present, he stole it just for you. Aren’t you happy?
In short, they will: shame you, guilt trip you, blame you and bully you. They rationalize, minimize, evade and more than anything, they will lie to you. They will apply pressure to the most sensitive and tender places. They are ruthless and time does not improve them. Their true intentions are hidden from you. They love control and having you on the other end of the phone, a shattered shell of your former self, crying “Why did you do this to me?” will get you an annoyed, over its response of, “Grow up, you let me. Don’t call here again.”
Stop them before they can weasel their way into your heart, your home, and your bank account. Listen to what your friends say. Stop being so damn nice and think about yourself first. You are valuable and don’t deserve to be abused. Breakaway from the sick spell they have cast over you. Get help, be free.
