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Why you keep falling for unavailable men

Have you ever found yourself immensely attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable? You are not alone. It could be that you are drawn to a man who is already in another relationship or a man who is emotionally unavailable. Today we look at why women are drawn to these kind of men.

Thrill of the chase

According to Seth Meyers, the author of Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve, the attraction towards unavailable men comes from the need for a chase. “A relationship with an unavailable man is bound to be frustrating and unsatisfying, yet, many women try to make things work through a sub-conscious emotional chase,” he says. He adds that although these women will oftentimes prove to be very intelligent, they may be harbouring insecurities that cause them to pursue men who are not available.

“One of their key drives may be that if the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll have the satisfaction of victory or proof that they are romantically worthy,” he says. “Additionally, if they have invested a lot of time and energy pursuing the unavailable man, they may feel that they have too much to lose if they walk away without any romantic dividends.”

However, if the unavailable man begins to show signs that he’s becoming interested, the woman chasing him is likely to start withdrawing as the thrill of conquest begins to wither.

Commitment phobia

There are women who may be interested in unavailable men due to their fear of commitment and intimacy. According to Ken Munyua, a counselling psychologist based in Nairobi, such women will often find unavailable men easy to roll with since they’ll hardly ever demand for commitment or be too keen on the kind of intimacy that characterises a normal relationship.

“Such a woman will go for a man she can’t have exclusively, but with whom she can enjoy superficial and undemanding companionship,” he says.

Reliving the past

Women who faced constant rejection in their childhood also get attracted to unavailable men. According to counselling psychologist Stephen Onyonka, this is because such a woman is trying to replicate a childhood where her father’s love and emotional presence were missing. “Such women may subconsciously keep getting into relationships with unavailable men as a way of recreating their childhood.

They may be seeking to make the unavailable men love or commit to them to prove to themselves that they are desirable and lovable,” he says.

Late to the party

According to Ian Kerner, a therapist and author of Be Honest, You’re Not That Into Him Either, women who focus on their careers and education and start dating later, may be more prone to having convictions about attracting and keeping a man, including unavailable men.

“The pressure to find a husband and in part the fear that their fertility could be declining drives these women to take on any man. They’d rather be with anyone, than be alone.

Breaking away

If you find yourself in a relationship with an unavailable man, learn to walk away. It may not be easy especially if you have gotten into the pattern of dating unavailable men, but by actively making a decision not to stay, you can begin to break the pattern.

According to Judith Orloff, the author of The Power of Surrender, the first step is to commit to avoiding men who cannot reciprocate your feelings. “If you’re in a toxic, abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, withdraw despite your strong passion or conviction to stay,” she says.

In the same vein, take a look at your past relationships, the kind of men you have been dating or been attracted to, and figure out the qualities you need and don’t need in a man. “You need to be able to pull back, see the situation for what it really is and take control of your emotions,” advises Kerner.



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