How to Deal With a Difficult Spouse

Set the stage for a resolution. Lead by example and serve as your own mediator.^[7] You want to appear optimistic about the situation. Be attentive and focused so she knows that you are serious and believe that you can solve the problem at hand.

• Be diplomatic. Having a keen sense of fairness will help get your work done.
• Listen and be heard. It is common knowledge that you cannot listen and talk at the same time. You need to be able to listen to what she has to say; and you need to feel that you are being heard. If you don’t feel you are being heard, then tell her.
• Don’t interrupt. Show your respect for the process by not interrupting. If she interrupts you tell her something like, “I’m not going to interrupt you when you’re talking because I want to hear what you have to say. Please let me talk without being interrupted so you’ll know exactly what I’m trying to communicate.”

Ask for what you want. Know what you want and be able to communicate it. She needs to know how you feel when she criticizes the things you do. Think about these things ahead of time so you can clearly communicate your needs and wants. Preparation will help you stay on task should she decide to add her negative input.

• Do not compromise your values. Be clear that you are not willing to go against your values. Be specific about what you consider deal breakers. If she constantly berates your grandmother behind her back, which erodes the value you place on your family, tell her.
• Always tie your needs and wants back to helping the relationship. Confirm that all you want is to be happy and for her to be happy.

Ask her what she wants. This will allow her the opportunity to clarify her requests, expectations and desires. It’s important to hear what she has to say, which will help her feel understood.

• Take notes and if she asks you why you’re doing that, tell her you want to make sure you don’t miss anything she says.
• Read back your notes to her and ask if you got everything correct. Add anything you missed or anything she would like to add.
• If she indicates something she wants and you know you cannot agree to it simply say, “I can’t agree to that. It’s not reasonable to me. Perhaps we can take some time to think about other options and find a compromise.”

Deflect negativity. People who have a problem with chronic negativity add a negative twist to every situation. Do not allow yourself to be influenced by your partner’s negative and critical thinking.

• If she continues to be negative tell her, “I’m trying to focus on the positive so we can solve this problem. It’s easy to be negative. Being positive is hard, but that’s what I’m going to do.”

Solicit a commitment for change. You both need to fully embrace the idea of reconciliation. It is crucial that at minimum you agree to try to make a change. That may be your starting point, and then you can build from there. The goal is to commit to the process fully, but you may need to start with small steps.^[8]

• Review the items on both your lists. Let her know that you agree to make the changes, if she agrees to make the changes too.
• It is acceptable to say things like, “I’m willing to commit to you and this agreement. Tell me how comfortable and willing you are to commit to making things better for us.”
• Reassure her that you are doing this to make things better for both of you and your future together.

Be patient. Change does not come easy for some people.^[9] Your spouse has a difficult challenge ahead, especially if he hasn’t been aware of his behaviors or what triggers them. Patience is the key to a successful relationship. Convince yourself that although this is an extremely challenging time, it is temporary.

• Things will improve if you remain focused on your goals.
• If things aren’t going well, don’t give up. Discuss the matter and agree to move forward making adjustments if necessary.

Compliment each other. When you are pleased with how things are going, tell your spouse. If you see him catch himself being negative and then he corrects himself, acknowledge this as an accomplishment. Everyone needs to know they are doing a good job. It will help both of you stay motivated.

Laugh. If you can both find some way to laugh about the situation, it can be healing for both of you.^[10] A laugh is the shortest distance between two people.^[11] It is almost impossible to stay upset when you are laughing. Try it.

Be coachable. Everyone needs a little coaching. Don’t criticize your spouse or yourself for making mistakes. Instead, focus on the efforts you both are making to be better people. A tiny step is still a step in the right direction.

Let it go. Whether your situation is more serious or you are dealing with a spouse who ignores your requests to take out the trash, it’s important to keep things in perspective. No one likes to feel small or diminished or ignored by a spouse or by anyone for that matter. You will find that once you feel heard and respected you will be able to release your feelings of upset and shepherd in feelings of relief. You can let it go.

• If you try to let something go and it continues to eat at you, then you likely need to process more feelings about the situation. This may include additional chats with your spouse, or going for a hike to physically work out your emotions.
• It can be upsetting if someone tells you to “just let it go” if you haven’t reached a level of resolve about the matter. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m working on letting it go, but I’m not there yet.”
• Once you settle into a feeling of balanced perspective, you will see that some things are worth getting upset about, and some are not.

Renew your commitment to the relationship. Plenty of people decide to renew their wedding or commitment vows for various reasons. This may be a wonderful opportunity to ceremonially show each other that you have not lost interest in your relationship and you are still in love.

• Making it through tough times together can result in a deeper desire for commitment.
• Your spouse may realize the pain he has been causing and might feel guilty. He may want to show you that he is sorry for what he has put you through. Let him.

Be self-reliant. Happiness is an inside job and you are responsible to create it. You know what makes you happy, so participate in activities outside your relationship that will build a reservoir of positive feelings. It is easier to face negative and difficult people if you are filled with good vibes. A happier you will always make any relationship better.

Find a positive source of energy. Dealing with people who are always negative can be very tiring and stressful. Making a change takes time so you will need support and encouragement to face the struggles. Find a friend or person you trust and who can be a source of encouragement.

• Remember, negative people drain us of our energy so it needs to be replenished. Activities such as exercise, dancing, yoga and golf are only a few ways to recharge your batteries.^[12]

Avoid people with negative qualities. Stay away from friends and other family members who are negative and non-supportive. These people are best left to themselves. Do not allow them to influence your relationship with your spouse.

• If being positive was easy, everyone would be doing it. There is a lot of dissatisfaction in the world and many people like to express it without permission. You don’t have to listen to it.