On Saturday, as usual, I peeped into Facebook to see which of my female friends was flaunting her body. Sadly, it was a dry day. Perhaps, because of the cold weather, no woman had posted pictures of herself wearing something short. Luckily, I bumped into an interesting post. A lady was waxing lyrical about General Ogolla’s son. She even offered to pay anyone who would get her his number. I just hope that if she gets the contact information, she won’t shoot her shot the Amakove way by asking, “Are you married?”
Seriously, someone needs to teach pickup lines to single women who are over 40 years because munastruggle. Anyway, she referred to him as the “full package,” and as I kept scrolling, I realized more and more women were talking the same way about the man. My next step was thus to ask my neighbor Mercy what the grieving fella had done.
Me: Why is everyone talking about General Ogolla’s son?
Mercy: Eiiish! Huyo son wa Ogolla ni cake. Na anakaa strong. Na anabonga poa.
It was the most female answer you can ever expect, so I did some more digging and found out that the guy — whose name is Joel Omondi — had given a powerful speech during the Military Honours ceremony held to commemorate his father’s passing. He revealed how his father loved Kenyan soldiers more than anyone else. He then advised them to honor his memory by crushing all enemies. The speech was so good you’d think he was a military leader himself. He was even punching the air to emphasize points like he was the legendary French general Louis-Joseph de Montcalm readying his troops for battle. That wasn’t the only thing. Apart from that, had a great voice and was dressed sharply. In short, this Omosh was the real deal, better than the ‘Omosh’ that Akothee had presented to the public some months ago.
After watching the video a couple of times, I felt a little jealous. That’s because I understood exactly why women were suddenly obsessed with him. Kenyan women love men who appear strong during the toughest times. Kenyan women adore men who can be calm and commanding at the same time. Kenyan women like men who dress well. Kenyan women like handsome men. Kenyan women have great voices. Kenyan women also like a protector, and the late general looks like the kind of man who would have taught his son how to defend himself.
Most importantly, Kenyan women love men who have money. Having been a high-ranking military official for years, General Ogolla was obviously a man of means, and according to Luo inheritance practices, all that wealth is likely to go Omosh. The truth is that if the son of a peasant gives the same kind of speech at his father’s funeral, women won’t care. They will even frown, whispering to each other, “Sasa huyu anatry kusema?” The person in charge of the proceedings would even ask him to hurry up because they are trying to follow the program.
Still, Omosh deserves all the plaudits. He is indeed the “real package.” At least that’s how it looks from far. In the same way women admire those with big behinds and perfect figures, men shouldn’t feel bad about watching the general’s son with envy. Every man should strive to speak eloquently as it has been proven time and time again that great orators are always taken more seriously than people who can get the job done. Every man should also learn to charm a crowd as it’s through such a skill that one earns friends, and easily wins the admiration of women.
If you watch the movie, Judas and the Black Messiah, you’ll see how women swoon at Black Panther Party (BPP) leader, Fred Hampton, as gives his speeches. His eventual girlfriend, Deborah Johnson, keeps looking at him like she wants to eat him alive.
I personally dress well, and look a little good, according to some of my exes, but whether or not I have those other attributes is debatable. For example, I always have a hard time being diplomatic. If it were me on that platform, I would have gone on a rant. I would have fearlessly stated that someone killed my father and I need to know who, otherwise kitaeleweka. After a few men, some men would have shown up to try and pull from the microphone, and I would have said, “mtu aniguze aone.”
From today I’ll try to be like Omosh. Lakini sasa pesa ndio shida.
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