People often mistake that the key elements of a healthy relationship are sex, wealth, happiness, appearance, and feats in common, but the most important of all is TRUST.
It allows us to share anything with our partner, get closer to one another, and help us build a better long-term relationship based on honesty, mutual goals, and communication. Without trust, none of these features would make it possible to push the relationship further because neither one of you would feel comfortable not knowing the direction of where the relationship is going. Once trust is lost, for whatever reason, it is very difficult to reacquire it.
I met a woman named Alicia, she’s a 34-year-old mother, who asked me for advice on how to trust her husband again after being cheated on.
As a housewife, Alicia stayed at home as she watched her husband leave home for work, thinking her husband one day may cheat on her again. Day in and day out, her mind was clouded with thoughts of his history of unfaithfulness. Seeing her husband leave for work overly dressed than normal made her panic and become anxious. Day by day she struggled with those assumptions.
He even told Alicia that the women at his office were unattractive. That was just a lie. The women at work were very attractive. Rumor has it that he was seen flirting with another woman.
One day Alicia phoned him to check his whereabouts with no answer. Turns out a woman answered his phone and, with panic, she dropped the phone immediately. When the husband arrived late that day he said he lost his phone, “I’ll get another”, he said. Alicia began to mistrust her husband because of the lies and awkward behavior. Even when she knew the truth, she would question its certainty. How could she trust a man like this?
Her nosy neighbor told her that one afternoon, she saw him driving with an unfamiliar woman. Alicia was alarmed and followed him to work to find out more about this woman. She spoke to many people to try to find out the truth, but they wouldn’t help her. This led her to believe that even his co-workers were helping him keep the secret away from her. This made her depressed and angry. She went through his wallet and cell phone in search of clues. No luck.
“He wants a beautiful, young woman”, she would say. Along with many other absurd ideas, she would tell herself. Through her confusion, she began to sense his presence unfavorably and she started to distance herself from him. She was relentless, feeling lonely, and insecure. She couldn’t recognize the man she was living at home anymore.
What made her take him back in the first place? She blames the insecurities of her own body. Her depression was caused by the compliments that the husband was received for being well dressed. She feared that other women would take him away from her. She began to distrust her partner; her self-esteem was affected and felt a sense of low self-worth. Disrespected.
After many attempts, she finally found her at work. She confronted her fear. However, it turns out that the other woman, thus attractive, is a project manager that Alicia’s husband was working for, she’s a happily married wife with kids and after chatting with her, she found out she was a nice woman and cheating would never cross her mind.
Alicia discovered her mind had created a fantasy that was eating her inside. She had invented stories that caused her to become depressed, frustrated, jealous, and insecure. All the stories were fabrications of her mind. Infidelity brought up many irrational stories that are affected by her health.
What makes you hang on to your partner?
Alicia made the mistake of not loving herself, she said. She focused all her love on him that she completely forgot about herself. She was lost.
In these types of relationships, you create a delusion that if the other person doesn’t love you back, no one else will. It makes it uneasy to let go of the other person because you have deep feelings for them and, if those feelings can’t be found elsewhere, you stay. You depend on them and don’t want to be left alone.
Additionally, you do not want to feel rejected so you would do anything to avoid it. Humans are loving creatures and feeling accepted is highly valued. No one likes being rejected. That is why you see people in abusing relationships settle down to evade being abandoned, fearing that they would lose everything.
How to build a trustworthy relationship
Healing a delicate relationship is hard but it may start with commitment from both parties. You have to commit to finding actions that should recover trustfulness and honesty.
- You must learn to trust and love yourself first in order to trust your significant other. It is this lack of love for yourself that prevents you to overcome trust.
- Respect yourself and others will respect you. This is why others take advantage of you. Demand it.
- Value yourself and be worthy of being loved.
- Sit with your partner and discuss new boundaries for what is appropriate for one another.
- Communication comes in hand with trust. Tell your partner if there’s anything that makes you uncomfortable or you dislike. Talk about ways of reaching a solution for the sake of both parties.
- You must discuss with your partner what each other needs are in order for them to be fulfilled for the relationship to go further.
If you incorporate the following elements in your relationship, or at least most of them, you’ll be able to build a solid foundation of trustfulness that will help you communicate in a better way, talk about your problems at any given time, and better yet, improve the quality of your love life.