“Will you lay in bed with me and eat pizza when we get home?”
The question shattered my mental image of what the evening ahead would look like. My partner and I had just finished spending a few days in the woods. Without cell service, electricity, or running water, disconnecting ourselves from the hustle of everyday life was simple enough, but some part of me is always thinking of how to put my thoughts and experiences into words. I was itching to get back to my laptop to start working.
During the drive home, I formulated my list of tasks, triaged what needed to be finished first, and attempted to work through the thoughts inspired by the serenity and seclusion of the woods. But with one simple question, I imagined all that potential progress slipping away.
My kneejerk reaction led me to reply with, “I had some things I was planning on taking care of when we got back …” and I immediately regretted it. I could see the disappointment in my partner’s face.
What the hell was I talking about? I don’t even have a job for the time being. There’s no boss breathing down my neck, no deadlines to meet besides the ones I give myself. Because of the pandemic, my last official day of work ended over two months ago. Around the same time, the writing contract I was pecking away at in my spare time came to a close. So, what exactly was I so anxious about not finishing? What project couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
Those are the questions I was able to finally able to wrap my head around as I stuffed my face with a delicious slice of pepperoni-laced heaven, and we binge-watched television in bed.
We’ve spent years learning each other’s quirks, and I should have realized what my partner really meant by her seemingly innocuous question. What she meant was … camping had drained her physically and mentally, and she didn’t want to jump straight into the stresses of real life just yet. She didn’t want to worry about her diet or cooking, she didn’t want to worry about school, and she needed me to be okay with that — and I was.
Even though I understood it was what she needed, I didn’t understand it was what I needed, too.
One of the reasons we work as a team is because we’re both insanely driven. It’s a blessing and a curse. We want to be better versions of ourselves every day, but that ambition demands limits — even when we don’t recognize them.
I struggle regularly to realize these limits, and she brings me back to earth. Without her forcing me to stop from time to time, I’d keep plugging away, even if I was metaphorically slamming my head against a brick wall. Some would say I’ve got stubborn tendencies … and without me bringing her back to the present, she would continue to stress about what’s going to happen ten years from now.
Usually, we accomplish this grounding in the form of short walks. Those perfectly timed reprieves are the time we spend connecting. We talk through our ideas, we discuss our anxieties and stresses, and we guide each other through the challenges we’re facing. When we come back to what we’re working on, we do it with fresh eyes.
It’s all part of the language we’ve created to take care of each other when we need a little help. Hand squeezes and simple phrases tell the other what we need. “Twenty-two seconds” means, “Stop what you’re doing and give me a long hug. I need physical connection.” We both know, “Do you have time for a walk?” means, “Let’s take a break and catch up with each other.” Small gestures and personalized phrases help us connect with each other, even when we are full steam ahead, achieving our goals.
I could have come home and knocked out an article. I could have worked on our website or tried to gain more readers. But, instead, I ate pizza…and laid in bed. We laughed and watched Netflix. Instead of jumping back into work, I connected with my partner in crime.
And while I was at it, I went ahead and mentally updated our personal language to include, “Will you lay in bed with me and eat pizza when we get home?”