When I got back to our old shared flat and had a drink with him, for two hours, I was traveling back in time and reliving the bittersweet memory of being madly in love with him. It felt strange because everything was kind of the same, but it clearly wasn’t.
So I asked him the most cliche question of all time, “Do you think I have changed?”
Without much hesitance, he said, “No, you haven’t really changed. You still look the same to me.”
It was probably meant well with that sweet voice and tender gaze he locked on me, but I wasn’t pleased because, well, who likes to hear that they still look like their awkward teenage self?
Though, to be fair, I had to agree with him a little bit there. Maybe now I’m more mature-looking, more well-put-together but, you know, I still have that same old kiddo face that hasn’t lost the baby fat.
Anyway, when I asked him if I had changed, I didn’t actually refer to my appearance. I just wanted to know if the way I looked at him then had changed. If I still had that mad love in my eyes like I used to several years ago.
I bet not.
He probably realized it too when I hugged him goodbye and didn’t look back. When he asked me to stay but I told him I had to go.
I could’ve easily settled in the comfort of his arms but I found my way home anyway. I could still recall being in love with him and how it hadn’t been much of a choice, but leaving him that night was a conscious one.
Even when I got home and broke down into tears at 1 am because I realized how overwhelmingly I used to love him and how great it’d felt to be held by him again, my desire to be with him weighed so much less than knowing that realistically we had no future.
As it turned out, I’ve really changed — even to my own surprise. It isn’t just some sort of one-liner advice I read off an internet article then conveniently forget.
It’s real.
I was able to get past impulses and take action that might be hard at first but I knew would do me good in the end.
In retrospect, during all these years and through all the epiphany moments I thought I had grown up, I had not.
For sure, I was fast to learn what was right but when the same thing happened again, I didn’t do anything better. My course of action didn’t improve one bit. I was still the same old me setting myself up for heartbreaks.
As I was picking up my pieces from a failed relationship that marked my first ever anxiety attack, I was so convinced I was done with all the stupid mistakes and finally became wiser and more in control. But, really, I shouldn’t have bought my own bullshit.
Soon, I met another guy, and the second it didn’t go the way I’d expected, I immediately lost my shit.
One minute, I managed to remind myself of all the lessons I’d learned, and the next, they all became a blur and I would make the same damn mistake I’d done before while being tortured by the guilt of having known better.
I was just like a kid that keeps touching a hot kettle THEN remembers it hurts. In other words, my action hadn’t evolved at all.
Needless to say, the ending was inevitable — I was left with deep wounds that didn’t just bring me tears but also destroyed my self-esteem. That year, I was so severely damaged that I feared I would never feel alright again.
Fortunately, I was wrong.
Little by little, I have rebuilt myself and found a way to feel comfortable in my own skin so that my self-esteem is not based on external factors but comes from within me.
Most significantly, I’ve learned to love who I am.
This self-love has led me to believe I deserve a happy ending, which stops me from cheating myself out of happiness and allows me to consciously make better choices.
Good choices are not always easy choices.
For sure, in the beginning, it’s always hard and good choices are not always the easy choices.
Sometimes I still lapse back into my old self and make a wonky judgment.
Nevertheless, since I love myself and want positive changes, I accept the challenges and continue to choose long-term benefits over instant gratifications.
And the evidence of that, of course, will be my everyday life actions.
If you want changes too, if you wonder whether you have learned any lesson at all, look into your own actions. It’s the manifestation of your thinking.
Have you done anything differently? Have you seen any different results?
One day, lessons will no longer be just words that go into one ear and come out the other but internalized into your character and way of living.