What goes wrong when a marriage or relationship seems to fall apart? Keeping your relationship happy and together has much to do with whether you make your partner FEEL love the way they want to be loved. That’s what understanding and learning the Love Languages helps you accomplish. It’s the only tool I know that helps you find the words and know the actions to demonstrate your love to your partner.
Maybe you already tried “101 ways to keep relationships together”. You picked out a couple of tips that sounded good, tried them, they didn’t work, and you went back to doing the same old thing. Love languages are different because they are individualized to you and your partner. By learning the love language of your partner, you know you’re saying the right words and taking the right actions to make them feel loved.
The 5 love languages.
According to the book The 5 Love Languages® by Gary Chapman, we each have a primary love language that rings a bell when we hear it. Those languages are:
- Words of Affirmation: In the simplest sense, affirmations are positive, complimentary, words about the person. Write a list of things you like best about your partner, and don’t hesitate to speak a relevant affirmation at least once a day. EXAMPLE: What I like about you is that besides being gorgeous, you’re so darn smart. (double points) — or — I can count on you to come through that door smiling, even when your day was tough. (qualified understanding) Choose meaningful words.
- Quality Time: Dedicated, undivided attention, and alone time for just the two of you. Do things together, make special engagements, and don’t back out for work or non-emergency excuses. I dedicated time together.
- Receiving Gifts: Be careful with this one. Giving gifts may seem obvious, but as much as we love gifts, it’s not everyone’s primary love language. While everyone likes gifts, many people value one of the other four languages far more than another bouquet of daisies. Meaningful, not materialistic gifts.
- Acts of Service: Doing something for your loved one speaks strongly when it’s their primary love language. It can be as simple as taking out the garbage, helping with a project, or scheduling maintenance that shows your love. Little things can seem like big things. Actions speak louder than words.
- Physical Touch: Your caresses, hand-holding, and little touches throughout the day may be the primary language in your relationship. If you grew up in a family that didn’t kiss, hug, or show open affection often, you might be uncomfortable with this activity. However, it could be the powerful silent language your partner needs to feel your love completely. Touchy-Feely connection.
Most of us think we’re doing a pretty good job taking care of the special person in our lives. After all, you’re doing everything your father and mother did and maybe more. You bring home a substantial paycheck and cook gourmet meals after work, which is fine. But if you took the time to read this article, I think you value your relationship and want to keep it going forever. Don’t stop now; here’s how to do it.
Take the quiz and see the results.
Try to identify your own primary love language from the five listed. I found it difficult because I appreciated them all. Yet, when my partner and I talked about the five languages, we had an epiphany. Yes, we know each other well and have many things in common, but our primary love languages were not the same.
To confirm our preferences, we decided to complete Chapman’s quiz and discuss the results.
Contrary to my expectation, the quiz indicated that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation and my partner’s Quality Time. I didn’t predict the correct primary language for either of us, but we realized the results were accurate after discussions. His second-highest preference is Physical Touch, and mine is Quality Time. As a couple, we tied on our third choice, Acts of Service.
We declared ourselves bi-lingual because two of our highest love languages are the same, Quality Time and Acts of Service. However, they’re different in implementation for each of us (i.e., my guy does not want to hear that he’s gorgeous).
The exercise helped me because I was certain I did some of these things already (yeah, I did that once). Now I know where to focus.
I’m better at finding words and actions to love him in his own language (e.g., my guy doesn’t care about gifts). Even if your relationship Is not in danger, speaking the language frequently feels like a secret code between the two of you. This knowledge provides closer bonding and keeps the relationship vibrant and fresh.