It’s day number who knows what in your shut down world. For me, it feels like maybe Day #142 of my captivity. I’m an introvert but even I’m going a little stir crazy. My husband does all the errands as he is now immune, and he wants to protect me from getting sick. We are both committed to our health and the health of everyone else. So, we hunker down and plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future.
I’ve been thinking a lot about commitment since I spoke to Tod Jacobs and Peter Lynn, the authors of the new book Not a Partnership: Why We Keep Getting Marriage Wrong & How We Can Get It Right. Marriage is supposed to be all about commitment but that seems to be the very place it falls apart. There seems to be some evidence that the divorce rate is rising in several countries as restrictions are eased. Maybe you’re even considering it as your relationship challenges become harder to ignore.
So, what does it mean to commit to something? One, it means “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.” And, two, it means “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.” Therein lies the problem. When commitment is seen as limiting, there is a natural desire to push against that restriction. Unfortunately, I think too many people view commitment to their marriage in terms of being controlled.
But what if commitment is seen as developing your best self? You see this celebrated all the time in other aspects of life. Most Valuable Player. Greatest of All Time. World Champion. Grammy, Oscar, Emmy winners. Honors and accolades for commitment to becoming the best. But it is undervalued in marriage.
Commitment in marriage happens almost by default. It exists because nothing better has presented itself. It survives because of inertia and the difficulty of change. But you don’t get to be the best by accident.
The test of commitment is what you do when things get tough. When you get cut from the varsity team. When you hit mile 20 in a marathon. When you fail the bar exam. When you and your spouse have words.
Commitment only counts when things aren’t going smoothly. And marriage isn’t smooth. Neither is life. Kind of like now.
You can quit. Or you can learn how to handle it better. You can find the opportunity in this situation and take positive action in your marriage. Wouldn’t it be great to be an MVP—Most Valuable Partner?
What’s your biggest marriage challenge during the shutdown?