Engagements can be magical. Sometimes, they are well-orchestrated and planned almost like a performance piece. Other times, they are sporadic. No matter what type of engagement you’re considering, you should make sure this person is who you really want to marry.
You may love your partner with all your heart, but quite often, couples rush into marriage without discussing some key issues, and this can be the difference between a happy marriage and one that isn’t happy. Let’s look at some considerations you need to make before popping the questions.
Consider How You’re Going to Live Together
Every relationship is different. Some people are already living together before they say “Will you marry me,” and others have only spent a weekend together at the most. If you’re not the former, living together can put you in for a rude awakening. Habits that you thought were cute can become annoying when you live under the same roof. Your partner may be a lot messier than you thought they were, or perhaps you’re the one with a dirty room.
There’s also the burden over who does the chores, who cooks, and so on and so forth. Discussing living together, or even living together for a bit to see how compatible you are, can be a smart decision.
Consider Finances
Finances can be something you don’t want to talk about, but the truth is that everyone should. Mismanaged finances can spell the end of the relationship unless you talk about it to your partner. Perhaps they have some debts you don’t know about, or you don’t know how much money they make. One of you may be a big spender, while the other counts every penny. Talk about your finances before you get engaged.
Consider Having Kids
Kids can be a divisive issue. Some people want kids, others don’t, and there are some who are on the fence. Meanwhile, there may be arguments as to how many kids one should have, or when they want to have them. Some people may want to wait a bit into the marriage to have them, while others want to get pregnant as soon as the honeymoon ends.
It may not be a comfortable subject for everyone, but talking to your partner about them is important before you get engaged.
Consider Talking to Your Partner About Sex
Again, this is something that is going to depend on person to person. Some couples have had sex a long time before they got engaged, and may know the ins and outs of what the other person likes.
Meanwhile, there are some who are saving it until marriage. If you’re the latter, talking about sex is something that may be uncomfortable, but it is important. Everyone has their own preferences in sex, and some people may be open to try new things, while others aren’t.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this on your own, consider visiting a sex therapist.
Consider Conflict Management
If you believe you’re going to be in a fairy tale marriage where you never have conflict, you’re wrong. Even the best couples will get into fights, and learning how to manage conflict is important. All couples can benefit from listening to what the other has to say, not sounding so confrontational, and coming up with solutions that both of you can agree to. Even if you’ve had conflict in the past, conflict in married life can be a new beast altogether. It’s important you learn how to manage conflict as much as you can.
Consider Your Life Goals
Marriages can often fail because of differing goals. Maybe one person in the relationship has a career path that conflicts with the other’s job. Someone may have a dream job that the other believes is a waste of time.
Talk about these life goals, and make sure they’re compatible. If there is some conflict, try to find a compromise that both parties can agree with. Not having life goals is always a bad thing, so make sure that you have goals that your partner can agree with.
Consider One’s Personal Beliefs
They say you should never talk about religion or politics, but in a relationship, it’s going to come up. If one person is religious, and the other isn’t, there may be some issues. One person may want to go to church, while the other refuses. Political disagreements, especially in this climate, can get ugly, and if you don’t discuss them beforehand, you may regret it.
Having differing beliefs doesn’t mean you won’t have a successful relationship, but this is another issue that you need to speak about with your partner. Finding common ground is important, and so are ways to avoid talking about them if you can. Speaking of which…
Consider Boundaries
Even when married, couples are going to have boundaries. Some people want to be left alone from time to time. Others may not want to be touched sometimes. There may be certain topics that a person in a relationship doesn’t want to be brought up. Boundaries occur even in the most open people, and it’s important to establish them before the marriage. Be strong on your boundaries and what happens when one crosses them. Someone close to you should respect whatever boundaries you have, no matter what.
Consider Pre-Engagement Counseling
When you think of couples counseling, you may imagine a relationship that is falling apart. However, there are many healthy couples who have counseling together for various reasons. One of those reasons being pre-engagement, or pre-marital counseling. This is when a counselor talks with a couple about all of the above, and so much more. Going to pre-engagement counseling can be one of the best ways to talk about issues that you may not feel comfortable about, but are important if you want a happy, healthy marriage.
Before you buy that ring, give your partner a ring, and have a discussion.