5. “Pregnancy Brain” is very real.
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it’s not. Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kind of adorable.
But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember.
6. Goodbye, sense of humor.
The good news is: she’s gained a baby. The bad news? There wasn’t enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you’re a smart-a** like I am, this is especially troubling, since I show affection by giving people good-natured sh*t.
Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor while carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don’t just fall on deaf ears — they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.
7. Say goodbye to sex, too.
Listen to me carefully — you’re about to be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. It’s when she’ll be going through the most changes and feeling the sh*ttiest. It’s everything she can do to avoid throwing up every morning (and sometimes at night), so your feeling unloved and “backed up” doesn’t really register.
So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you’re now a sex camel, my friend. The only silver lining is you’ll have sex two times during the pregnancy. You have a one- to two-week window when her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy.
Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief — as long as her water doesn’t break right then and there.
8. Yes, her boobs are bigger; no, you can’t touch them.
While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of nature’s cruelest tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, and it does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack.
A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank You Jesus! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is, you’re not allowed to touch them.
It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They’re adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the sh*t out of you. Trust me.