I love The Color Purple. I love how Celie, after years of abuse and pain, finds her joy. Her happiness comes when she takes control of her own life. But hers is not the only story of redemption and joy in that movie.
Alice Walker is a genius who wrote an intensely spiritual novel. Whether or not you’re a Christian or even believe in God, it has a message that resonates and lessons it teaches.
We say we don’t need men to make us happy. And we don’t. But do we mean it when we say it? Do we act like it?
How often do women stay in miserable relationships, and then complain that their mates aren’t making them happy? Of course, the onus is on the man.
That’s not the way it works.
You’re responsible for your own happiness. Period.
I’m saying this as someone who was married to an alcoholic for years.
I loved that man, and I saw the problems his disease caused. And yes, it’s a disease. I don’t blame him for his addictions. I can blame him for the times he actively hurt me, but when he drank, he didn’t do it to cause me pain. He did it to numb his own pain. And that’s not something I will judge.
For years, I was miserable. Then, one day, the light came on in my brain and I made a choice.
I decided — I’m responsible for my own happiness. And I started focusing on that, and not on trying to fix him.
And you know what happened? I became happy.
It also improved my marriage. Because you see, it’s not fair to make someone else responsible for your happiness. It’s not their burden to bear.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband cared for me. And that was his duty. We were married. He said the vows.
He took me to chemo. He made me juice. He cleaned up vomit when I threw up. And I was grateful. At the same time, I also felt it was his obligation to care for me, to the extent he could.
And that’s fine. What would not have been fine — expecting him to change who he was?
For example, he would take me to chemo, but he wouldn’t sit there with me. Other husbands waited with their wives and kept them company. I saw it, and I would have liked it, but I also knew the man I married. I accepted him.
I could expect him to take me to appointments. But I couldn’t expect him to sit still for 2 hours. That’s not who he is.
I had a choice. I could have resented him and whined to my friends. And, I know I would have gotten sympathy. After all, what’s more, sympathetic than someone fighting for her life against an aggressive cancer?
Instead of taking that route, I chose to be happy. I didn’t hold him responsible for making me happy, I took that responsibility for myself.
I know it sounds weird to talk about being happy while you are having chemo, but, again, it’s all about attitude.
I had no choice about the chemo. I had to sit there while they pumped chemicals into my body that made my hair fall out and left me exhausted and made me nauseous. I had to feel the ache in my bones and taste the metal in my mouth that ruined whatever appetite I had. I had no choice about any of that. But I did have a choice when it came to my own attitude.
I could have spent the whole time complaining. I don’t see how that would have made things any better. Instead, I found ways to distract myself and to keep my spirits up.
While I was dealing with the cancer, people were constantly surprised at how cheerful I was. People remarked on it all the time.
Here’s the thing. I wasn’t always happy. Sometimes I felt despair, anger, pain. I allowed myself to feel those things too. There were times I did cry on a friend’s shoulder and times my husband had to hold me through the night. Sometimes my pain was so deep that I couldn’t turn to anyone except Jesus. I’m a Christian, and He was the one who comforted me when no one else could.
I’m not saying we don’t all face times that tear us down. Pain is part of life. But it doesn’t have to be the whole of it. We can make the choice to pursue happiness no matter what our situation. This is our right. It’s OK to fight for your happiness. It’s OK to stand up for yourself.
It’s scary if you’ve never claimed this right, to do it for the first time. But ultimately it’s very empowering. I also believe God wants His children to be happy. He gave us a beautiful world, and talents and gifts, and people and animals to love, and delicious food and glorious music and art to enjoy. He gave us the color purple.
“I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it. People think pleasing God is all God cares about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.” That’s what Alice Walker wrote in The Color Purple.
When you are in a dark place and you feel no joy — remember that God created the color purple. He wants you to be happy. It is your job to take that right and to own it. Fight for it if you have to. You deserve it.