I was 40 years old when I moved from the area I spent almost my whole life in. I left my family and friends. Pretty much everything I knew to help a friend with her horses while she struggled through a late pregnancy that was potentially life-threatening.
So there I was, out in a field with horses after spending the 22+ years before in a company climbing the corporate ladder. I went from boardroom to boarding stall. It wasn’t just life-changing, it was completely out of any comfort zone. 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom trailer…yeah. I hit rock bottom.
I was suffering from depression. Not just due to the move but due to the loss of my dad, the 22+ year job and on top of all that I started going through menopause.
For the first time in my life, I was terrified. Not just for myself but of myself. My mind went too deep into itself and for a while, I didn’t think I’d come back.
6 months in, my unemployment benefits stopped, there were no job prospects and my then-boyfriend was cyber cheating on me. I was becoming suicidal and possibly even a little homicidal. I know I didn’t spell that correctly.
Deeper and darker I went into crazy town. My mind was playing tricks on me or maybe I truly was seeing my demons. Ones I locked away deep inside were coming out in droves to take me down. I tried to fight the darkness….but it was overwhelming. Depression sucks.
Almost a year in and I got a break. Some money came through. I was motivated but the darkness was too dark. I was too far gone I thought.
I prayed. I started praying a lot. I was pretty much full-blown Looney tunes at that point. But praying was helping. It felt like I had someone to talk to. But was anyone listening?
I asked for a sign.
2 days later, I got my sign. The rain was coming. I could smell it in the air. I ran to feed the horses. Even though my friend had a healthy baby and he was 6 months old, she barely talked to me at that point. Never helped with the horses. Angrily, I glared at her house next store. The anger in me was brewing just like the impending storm. I fell into the muck, basically, horse shit. I dropped the hay, it was like Murphy’s law one thing after another. I could feel myself breaking. Every part of my being was ready to explode….
Then something magical happened. Yes, I said magical.
The one horse, Smokey. He was an incredible creature. We bonded almost immediately. He was staring at me. All the horses were staring at me. They knew something was wrong. They seemed worried. But maybe my crazy mind made me think that because as soon as they got they’re food, they ate and paid me no mind. Except for Smokey. He wouldn’t go in his pen. He insisted I stand with him. So I did.
The wind was whipping through the trees as the beginning of the rain started. He stood tall. He was a mighty horse. He towered over me. His eyes closed as the wind whipped through his mane. It was like slow motion. I closed my eyes and let it whip through my hair. An incredible calmness surrounded me. He simply looked down at me before he turned into his stall to his food.
I was frozen in place. I watched as the trees blew, as my heart slowed and my anger dissipated. I walked back to the trailer singing “Amazing Grace” a song I don’t know….
Being alone took me to far places in my mind. I am indeed a different person. The effects it had on me were life-changing. I am no longer terrified. I am at peace with myself. I am ok with who I am. I am truly a blessed person. Something I never thought of myself as being before my experience of being alone.
My mighty friend Smokey passed away almost 2 years ago. Rest in peace big boy.
As for me, I moved back to the area I know, met an amazing man who I am honored to be married to. We’ve been together for almost 9 years. I prayed for him too so…
Everyone should experience themselves without the distraction of everything else but themselves. Being alone is ok. But, I don’t recommend extended time. A year was my Max.
