Twenty-nine-year-old Kawira met Bob at her friend’s graduation party in Thika. He was handsome, humorous and witty, and as she later learned, he had a stable job as a financial analyst at a leading firm in Nairobi.
“He was everything I had always dreamed of and from the first time I interacted with him, I wanted him to be my man. I wanted a relationship with him; I wanted to be his future wife,” she laughs.
It did not take long before Bob started calling her to ask if they could go out.
“I was excited. I’d been hoping he’d ask me out, and at some point I had even considered making a move on him,” says Kawira, who is a senior consultant at a stockbrokerage firm in Nairobi. Their first date a week after the party, led to another and two weeks later, Bob took her to his house.
“He asked to cook for me at his place one evening. I agreed to visit him and true to his word, he had a romantic dinner on the table. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was happy and enjoyed getting intimate with him. I was convinced that we were onto something serious because of the effort and passion he had been showing towards me. But I was wrong,” she says.
In the following weeks, all she got were booty calls, which she honoured hoping that the sex meant something more than just sex. Two months later, Bob told her that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and saw their intimacy as a friends-with-benefits arrangement.
“I was devastated. I cried for days. I felt used. This was the third time this had happened to me,” Kawira reveals.
Although she has been wary of dating since then, there is a man who is currently showing interest. He has even asked her out.
“He seems like a good man. He is good-looking and appears chivalrous, but I have been bitten so many times, I am afraid of giving in to a man only for him to turn out to be a user just like the others before him,” she says. On the other hand, she still desires to date and enjoy the fruits of a serious and happy relationship.
“How can I know if he’s serious or if he’s just another Bob?”
RATHER OBVIOUS
Well, according to Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi, the man asking you out is likely to be more straightforward on whether he wants sex or not than you imagine.
“If you’re wondering whether he just wants sex or whether he actually wants a serious relationship, just pay close attention to what he says and does,” he says.
Does he care what you think about him? Wants to include you in his plans? Offers to help you even before you ask? Notices and remembers things you say and follows up? Safeguards his time with you? Genuinely desires to know you deeply? Respects your opinion? Calls for no reason? Has introduced you to his inner circle? Are you a priority in his life? Is he willing to take things slow or at your pace? Moreover, if you’re wondering about where you lie in his life, then perhaps it is nothing serious.
Further, according to Dennis Otiato, a 31-year-old bachelor in Nairobi, it is always clear whether he just wants sex or whether he is interested in a proper relationship from onset.
“A man sifts women into those who have all the attributes he is looking for and hence would get serious with, and those he just wants to hit and run, or even stay a while longer for the sex and other benefits as he waits for the woman he wants to marry. This is what I do,” he reveals.
For him, looks, character, personality, attitude, intelligence and outlook on life are what he looks for in a woman he wants to take seriously. However, if a woman does not meet the standards on his wishlist, he will still pursue her and if she is readily available, there is nothing to stop him from having a good time with her to pass time.
“It doesn’t even matter how many dates I’ve taken you on, how well I treat you or who I introduce you to. At the back of my mind, you are just there for the (sexual) benefits,” Dennis adds.
Seeing as it might be hard to read whether a man is serious or just passing time with you, how can you know where he falls and what his intentions towards you are? Mutisya, a 34-year-old bachelor who lives and works in Nakuru, says that if he is serious about a woman, he restrains the urge to take her to bed as soon as possible.
READ THE SIGNS
“If I’m serious about you, instead of fantasising about what we can do to each other in bed, I’ll be looking to see if you can stimulate my mind. I’ll also care to find out about your outlook on life beyond the bedroom. If I find out that you are only good for stimulating my loins, then I won’t waste any time, hitting it and running. If a woman is only good for sex, then the aim is to get it out of the way as soon as possible and move on. But if the woman delivered satisfaction and continues to play interested, I’ll keep her around for a casual relationship,” he discloses.
Patrick, a 32-year-old banker underscores this.
“Women should learn to read the signs. Men are very forthright about their intentions. A man after sex will find ways to bring it into the conversation regardless of what you are discussing. Your dates will quickly move from hotels and elsewhere to his house. However, if I am serious I will take you on serious dates and maybe take you on nature walks or to other places that are conducive to helping us know each other better.”
He adds that his key tell-tale sign that he is looking for something serious with you is his willingness to be seen with you in social places where he is respected. Kibet, a 33-year-old lawyer in Kericho adds that the key is to observe what the man focuses on.
“Does he focus on your sex appeal or on your inner qualities? Does he focus on how stunning you look in that hot dress or on your intelligence, humility and kind-heartedness? If all he focuses on is flirting and exchanging erotic messages with you, what other sign do you need to show you what he wants from you?” he poses.
Strikingly, men know that most women will not just give up sex. They tie it to the relationship. They only oblige if they feel that there is some hope for a future together. To get around this, men study their target early on to figure out what she wants and then prey on it.
“The truth is no woman will willingly come to your bed if she knows that all you want is a physical relationship, but we have our ways around that,” Mustisya says.
