Would you marry your partner again? Would they marry you? These aren’t just theoretical questions. How you answer them will determine what your life looks like when you’re freed from COVID restrictions.
A more important question to ask is, “If you wouldn’t, why not?” In most cases, your partner hasn’t changed at its core. Yes, things aren’t sunshine and roses all the time. You are more aware of your partner’s quirks and habits than when you first fell in love. The patterns you’ve allowed to develop influence on how you feel about each other. And that’s usually not a good thing.
But where did those patterns come from? Do the actions you’ve taken in your marriage reflect what you value?
The admonition to live with authenticity is everywhere. But is that just another “should”?
As my clients know, “should” is my least favorite word in the English language. To me, it’s a reflection of what someone else wants or expects you to do. But “should” is hard to escape. It starts from the moment you draw breath and comes at you from every direction.
Your parents. Your extended family. Your friends. Your spouse. Your boss. Your neighborhood. Your culture. Your gender. Your ethnicity. Your faith. Your society. Anywhere and everywhere, there is pressure to conform.
So, what is this authenticity that is spoken of? How, amid all this noise, is anyone supposed to figure out who and what they truly are? And then claim that space in a way that’s encouraged and supported? Yeah, right, I hear you saying. And I’m right there with you.
The system is set up to keep the status quo alive and functioning. Systems like to stay in balance. Your marriage is no different. It will continue on autopilot until something breaks. Or until you do something different.
But what if a real opportunity to do that is happening now? It’s said that things will not return to the pre-pandemic normal. What if that’s a good thing? What would you change about your marriage? What boxes would you break out of? How could it reflect more of what you value?
The world has given humanity the opportunity to consider what’s important. In this time away from the normal hustle and bustle that most of us were caught in, many people are discovering what truly matters. For lots of us, that’s connection; to yourself, to your friends, family, and community and, hopefully to your spouse.
What are you willing to step away from? What “shoulds” are you willing to reject? What are you willing to unlearn so you can have a marriage that you value?
What’s one thing you would like to change in your marriage?