After weeks of being in a virtual lockdown with your wife, you may have wondered if she had been taken over by an alien. In fact, she may have wondered the same about you. You probably have never spent so much concentrated time together and her quirks and idiosyncrasies are in full view. As are yours. The longer you’ve been together, the stranger you each may seem to the other.
Your marriage will never be the same after this pandemic. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Jada Pinkett Smith revealed on her Red Table Talk show that, even after being together for 23 years, she recognizes that she doesn’t know her husband Will Smith. Believe me, she isn’t alone.
Time together is not a substitute for being together. Cohabiting is not the same as living with someone. The person you married may look the same, though a bit older, but that doesn’t mean they are the same. Life has happened and changed both of you in ways both big and small. Do you know how those experiences have impacted her? If not, are you interested in learning?
One of the most common reasons a client comes to me is because they and their spouse have grown apart. They have become like roommates instead of partners, lovers, friends, and confidants. Why? Because they assume they know who the other is. There is a saying about assuming that really should be considered more carefully when it comes to marriage.
Years of being together creates a false sense of knowledge. Life is a series of challenges that mold who you are, forever changing you. These changes are often subtle and that’s where the danger to your marriage lurks. Seeing your wife through the old, familiar lens, holding on to the old stories you have about her, keeps her and your marriage static.
On the flip side, not everything about either of you is subject to change. But if you don’t engage with each other on a regular and deeper basis, you often won’t know what has changed until it’s too late.
I don’t know, and never will, like it when my husband rubs the back of my hand or my thigh with his thumb. Other times I don’t want to be touched in the way he is currently touching me. But it isn’t that I never want to be touched like that, just not at that moment. If we don’t stay connected and in communication, he may assume that I don’t ever want that kind of touch, which creates an unnecessary challenge.
If you believe you ‘ve changed over the course of your marriage, doesn’t it make sense to think your wife has as well? What old stories are you telling yourself about her? What surprises are you discovering as you’re sheltered together? Can you really love her if you don’t know who she is?
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned about your spouse during the shutdown? Email me your question and I’ll personally respond to you.