It sucks to hurt someone you care about, but if you want to end the relationship and they don’t, I’m afraid there is no way of avoiding that. You will hurt your partner, and it will feel awful. So that is the first thing you need to make peace with.
But how you break up matters. If you do it with kindness, openness and maturity, it can help your partner feel respected and cared for, rather than dumped. It can make a lot of difference to how your partner regards themselves afterwards and how much self-esteem damage the heartbreak will do.
So here is what I suggest you do:
Pick a time to talk to them, when you are in a safe undisturbed environment. Make sure you have enough time, at the very least a few hours.
Then tell your partner that you want to break up. Don’t beat around the bush, but try to be gentle and warm, while remaining honest. Tell your partner why the relationship isn’t working for you, and be honest about what you feel and don’t feel. However, don’t place the blame on your partner. Reflect on both of your roles in this, and think it through before you have this talk.
Then give your partner space to react. Listen. Be patient. They might agree, they might not. They might be silent, they might cry, they might try to negotiate, they might get angry with you. They might have a lot of questions. They might go through all of the reactions above, and arrive in a sad acceptance. Try to stay calm and present and offer your partner a comforting shoulder to cry on, but be clear that you have made up your mind. This is what you want.
Then you’ll arrive to the: Now what? This should be a dialogue between the two of you, but it’s good if you have reflected on this beforehand. Do you know if you want to keep in touch? Don’t promise friendship if you don’t sincerely want that and think it is possible. Also, please don’t induce any false hopes about getting back together in the future, if you don’t believe that as a possibility. Again, be as honest and clear as you can be. Don’t be vague as a way to protect your partners feelings. It’s never a favor if you’re vague.
Talk to them about how to deal with the aftermath. Do they have support? Friends/family they can go to? Do they want to talk in a few days/weeks and process this together? Or do they want to cut contact for a while? Consider what you think is the wisest strategy, to give you both space to heal.
Remember to tell your partner that you appreciated all the good things you had together and that you are sorry for hurting them. Then give them a warm hug and say goodbye.
