Everyone has had an attachment to someone in their lives. In fact, that bond we get as an infant with our parents or caregivers is the first one. It is this first experience that creates what type of attachment style you will have when you get older. When we are first born, we typically bond to whoever gives us that feeling of security by holding us, feeding us, and taking care of us.
Attachment Style Theory
It was Dr. John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst, who developed the attachment theory in the 1900s. He based it on studies he conducted with babies, children, and adolescents. His studies and research became popular; and the Bowlby Attachment Theory was born. Dr. Bowlby found that there are four types of attachment styles, which include:
- Secure: A secure attachment is healthy and those who have this style tend to have more satisfactory and successful relationships. They know how to offer support to their partner when it is needed and will seek their partner when they need support as well. Their relationships tend to be open and honest, independent but loving.
- Anxious preoccupied: Those who are anxiously preoccupied with attachment are more emotionally hungry than others. They do not trust their partner to support them although they seek the support anyway. They are clingy but will push their partner away as well. They may be controlling and demanding toward their partner and will usually end up sabotaging their own relationships.
- Dismissive avoidant: These individuals usually seem aloof or uncaring, almost like they do not care if you love them or not. They like to isolate themselves and may “need some space” or alone time often. Although they may seem independent and uncaring, they are actually avoiding intimacy because they are afraid to be rejected.
- Fearful avoidant: If your partner has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, they seem to be in constant turmoil. While they do not want to get too close to anyone, they also do not want to be too distant. They are afraid to leave but cannot seem to stay. Although they want to keep their feelings hidden, they cannot, and they end up becoming needy and dramatic. Those with this attachment style tend to have frequent relationships that always end with a major incident.
What Causes an Anxious Preoccupied Style?
Having any of the three unhealthy attachment issues can create a tumultuous love life with frequent relationships that do not last. Those who are anxiously preoccupied in love need constant reassurance and are always nervous or afraid that they will lose their partner. Unfortunately, that is what usually ends up driving their partner away. They may even stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships just so they do not have to be alone. These individuals were typically neglected or ignored as an infant.
Causes of the Dismissive Avoidant Style
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style gives their partner the impression that they really do not care about them. They may say they feel smothered or crowded by their love and claim they need space even though they really do not want it. Although they want to be in the relationship, they always want to have a backup plan because they never expect the relationship to last. One or both of their parents may have abandoned them as a child, making them believe that this is the way relationships work.
How Does a Fearful Avoidant Style Happen?
Those with fearful avoidant attachment styles are used to drama and rocky relationships. They may have been abused as a child or seen their parents fight often. Dysfunctional family issues create this relationship style by causing the individual to crave this type of drama and what they see as excitement. These individuals may end up in an abusive relationship, but they may be the abuser or the victim.
Is it Hopeless?
No matter which type of unhealthy attachment style you have, it does not make it easy for you to have a successful relationship with anyone. Although you may seek out love and intimacy, you just do not know how to maintain it. Without having a good relationship model as a child, you may not be able to understand what a normal and healthy relationship is supposed to look like. For example, even if you were well-cared-for as a baby, if your parents fought all the time, you are likely to expect or even crave that in your adult relationships.
Luckily, you can change your attachment style if you want to.
How Can I Change?
Relationship counseling is the best way to learn how to change your attachment style. It takes education and training as well as experience to treat someone with any of these unhealthy attachment styles. Whether you are having trouble with your current relationship or just cannot seem to stay in a relationship long, talking to a relationship counselor can help. There are counselors and therapists at ReGain.us who are trained and licensed to help you change your unhealthy relationship to a healthy one. You can talk to them online now, without an appointment.