There is no better part of the city to experience the ‘real’ Nairobi life than Eastlands. It’s only in ‘Eastlando’ where you’ll go to a shop and find a guy buying the weirdest combination of things: “Nipatie condom moja, maziwa ndogo na kifagio.” The interesting part is that the guy is buying all those things on credit. It’s amazing, the kind of characters you’ll come across, especially in residential ‘plots’. Here are the most common:
Mama ‘Moshene’
She’s the ‘mama yao’ aka gossip queen. This lady knows everything that happens in the plot, real or imagined. She’s always talking about other people and what they do. She loves criticizing yet she’s far from perfect herself. She’s always keeping secrets of her own but meddling in other people’s affairs. When you get fat, she’ll say you have a mumama or mubaba and when you get thin she’ll say you have been bewitched. The sorry part is she’s shapeless herself, looking like a sack of viazi from Molo
Broke guy/jobless guy/idler
This is the kind of guy you’ll always find present in your hood. Most of the times, he likes hanging out ‘kwa base’ with the boys and chewing ‘mogoka’ or ‘miraa’. This is the guy that always has problems paying the rent and his house gets locked up by the landlord from time to time. All this never bothers him. To him, life is good the way it is.
The annoying caretaker
Caretakers make life a living hell for the tenants. Their favorite pastime is harassing tenants who appear to be doing well in life. The annoying caretaker will knock on your door just after you bring in a lady that you intend to practice procreation with. When you don’t open the door, he’ll start shouting, “Fungua! Ni caretaker! Nimekujia ile pesa ya takataka. Haujalipa miezi mbili!” .
4The hustler
This is the guy with the deals. He’s always selling different kinds of black market commodities. Sometimes, you’ll see suspicious-looking people entering his house. The hustler is generally a good guy but occasionally police will raid his house looking for a stolen phone that he was brokering. They never really find anything and end up releasing the guy.
Players
You can be the player is called Kevo or Brayo. These are also the kind of people that piss you off. Just when you are experiencing your dry spell, they bring in a different catch every night. To make matters worse, the women who players bring into their houses are always the screaming type. During sex, they yell like like they are in a room with Johnny Sins.
The drunkard
If you happen to step out late in the night, you’ll find the drunkard guy at his door trying to unlock the padlock. Most of the time, the possibility is always that he had been standing there for the past hour unable to locate the padlock because he’s seeing several of them. Sometimes he gets frustrated and starts banging on his door while shouting, “Fungua!” yet his house is locked from the outside and there’s no one in. I love drunkards.
The hot lady
There’s always that chic that most men at the hood have their eyes on. She’s always sweet and humble and guys find all sorts of excuses to knock at her door. The list of suitors stretches out from the landlord to the broke guy. The sad part is always she ends up giving in to a guy who doesn’t even deserve her. Then you ask yourself that ultimate question, “kwani huyu dem aliona nini kwa huyo mse?” But that’s ‘Eastlando’ for you.
The noisemaker
The noisemaker assumes that everyone loves Afrobeat or Diamond songs. The most expensive item in his house is the woofer and he makes good use of it. Just when you are about to relax, you are kicked out of your peace by music on full blast.
The family guy
This is the guy with lots of kids who are always running around the plot. How his big family fits in his small house always remains a mystery. Try being friends with one of the kids and they’ll tell you, “Jana usiku tuliona daddy akilala juu ya mummy. Kumbe daddy sio mzito hata!”
The misplaced guy
This is the guy who owns a Mazda CX5 but lives in a bedsitter. You can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with him. Every morning, you see him leaving, wearing his expensive suit and looking all flashy. Sometimes the guy disappears for days before coming back. After racking up your brain for a long time, trying to analyze the guy’s confusing life, you finally conclude that he might be a criminal.
