Every relationship needs boundaries. While they’re not a book of rules, they are needed to keep the peace of the relationship going and for couples to live as happy as possible with each other. If your marriage has no boundaries, and there are no lines being drawn, it can cause problems. One person in the marriage may be walked all over, or both parties suffer.
When Should You Have Boundaries?
To answer this question, it’s any time. There is no breaking point when one needs to have boundaries; it’s something that every marriage should strive for. Boundaries are essential at every part of the marriage.
Keep Them Clear
Boundaries are not a complex law; they should be clear and there should be an indicator as to when a boundary has been crossed.
Don’t Let Them Cross The Line
With some people, the person creates boundaries but then doesn’t do anything when they are crossed. The rules are merely symbolic in this case. We aren’t saying that you need to ground your spouse when they cross a line, but you should be firm that you aren’t going to let them do it.
Some Boundaries to Consider
Here are some boundaries that you must draw the line at.
Honesty
One of the most important boundaries is honesty. The marriage should hold no secrets. You may treat little white lies as less severe than something big, but regardless of the lie, there needs to be a clear boundary established and no person in the relationship needs to cross it.
Boundaries During Arguments
Every couple is going to argue. It’s a sign of a healthy relationship, and learning to resolve conflict is important. However, there are some personal lines that need to be established during a conflict. These include:
- No yelling. While it’s difficult to argue without raising your voice, screaming will make the argument go south.
- No name-calling or personal attacks.
- Unless it’s extremely relevant, no bringing up past arguments or incidents that have been resolved.
- No getting physical. Speaking of which…
Physical Abuse
Putting your hand your spouse is not only part of the signs of disrespect in marriage, but it’s an illegal act that you shouldn’t tolerate. Have a clear boundary against any physical abuse, which can include shoving or other activities that appear to be less damaging than hitting.
Being Touched and Having Some Space
While the two of you are married, there still are boundaries with touch. Maybe one person doesn’t feel like being touched at certain moments. Or, they may need some space. It’s important for you to respect those boundaries and show your spouse that you do care.
Jealousy and Envy
One line you need to discuss is jealousy and envy. If someone is jealous because their spouse has success or has friends, the person in the relationship needs to put their foot down and acknowledge that being jealous isn’t the way to go.
With that said, deliberately trying to make your spouse jealous is also toxic, and not something that should be tolerated. As they say, this is something that goes both ways.
The Boundary That It’s Okay to Say No
Another boundary that one must acknowledge is that it’s okay to say no. If one person wants sex, but the other person isn’t feeling it tonight, it’s okay to say no and not get any disrespect for it. Refusing to listen to someone who says no is one of the biggest signs of disrespect in marriage. It’s okay to try to change someone’s mind or try to come to a middle ground, but outright disrespecting one’s wishes is a line worth drawing.
Forgive
We mentioned this a little bit earlier, but it’s worth expanding on. Another boundary that one should have is forgiveness. Mistakes are going to happen, and rules are going to be broken. Rather than hold grudges and bring up the past, it’s important to learn to forgive.
With that said, forgiveness cannot be forced, and some actions can take longer to forgive. For example, if there was infidelity in the marriage, it is not something that one can fix overnight. It can take a while for the spouse to forgive the cheater, and rebuilding trust after that has happened can be a challenge.
Speaking Badly of Your Spouse
Another boundary that needs to be established is not talking behind one’s back. If you find out that your spouse was talking behind your back to their friends or family, this needs to be addressed. Criticisms need to be addressed between spouses, or in a therapist’s office.
This is especially true if you have kids. Don’t use them to talk badly about your spouse, even during a divorce. It’s between you and your spouse, and no one else.
Taking Criticism
With that said, one boundary that needs to be established is accepting criticism. If one person in the relationship cannot take any criticism whatsoever, it can make the relationship toxic. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t like to hear criticism, learning to swallow your pride and humble yourself is always important.
Accepting One’s Mental Differences
If one person in the relationship has depression, anxiety, or another mental disorder, it’s important for the other spouse to acknowledge it and to respect one’s differences.
With that said, there does need to be a boundary where the person with the mental disorder doesn’t use it as an excuse to be toxic.
Accepting Help
Another line that you need to create is one where both parties acknowledge they need help when there’s something they cannot fix. Seeking help from a counselor or a therapist for a problem that’s unresolvable on its own can keep the marriage going, even if it feels like there is no hope.
Conclusion
In any relationship, boundaries are important. If you want a marriage or even a friendship to last, make boundaries, enforce them, and do the same for the other person.